Sorry but holy shit I feel so lonely I keep seeing people from my alt classes getting rotary awards for quitting drinking and evreyone is grad camping and winning scholarships and going to ottawa for awards becsuse everyone is so great and people have literally forgotten about me. I had to drop out of school because my anxiety is getting so bad…and no one said anything.
No one asked where I went.
I dropped off the face of the earth and no one noticed. The only things I do now are counselling and aa meetings.
And no one misses me at all.
I didnt do any grad activities because I was scared no one would talk to me. I actually have no fucking friends not even ~internet~friends. No one has extended conact to me just because they want to for almost three months. Once a girl texted me asking if I had a cat to sell. Thats it.
And its so hard to try and stop self harming or shutting up suicidal thoughts or to even fucking take care of myself enough to shower when you know literally no one gives half a shit about you.
And the worst of it all is that everyone thinks my current state of zero accomplishment is because im /lazy/stupid/whatever/
It drives me up the fucking wall that I was totally failed by the alternate education system and my teachers just assumed I didnt want to be at school because Im fucking uncomfortable and anxious in a room of people and just gave up on me and got increasingly aggressive with me and made me feel several times over more unwanted at school. I HATE IT THAT I DONT HAVE AN EDUCATION I MISSED OUT ON SO MUCH I WANTED TO DO.
I don’t feel at home anywhere. I never felt safe at school. I don’t feel accepted on the rez. I don’t feel accepted in “suburbia”. I don’t feel accepted in any type of community. I don’t feel at ease in my family because I have to deny the abuse that goes on to appease several “sides” of all these fucked up conflicts. Im kept in the dark about all the legal shit with my aunt but somehow expected to shun her like everyone else.
All the above circumstances compounded recent events of my family being 20000 in debt, my aunt suffering a major injury(fishing accident that left her with a punctured lung, five displaced ribs, several pelvic fractures, and a fucked up rotator cuff), my dad losing his company, and my moms attemptes suicide that she blaned on me because I was vonsidering leaving home….yeah im not feeling too fucking good.
I want people to love me and realize how hard im working and be doing fucking backflips over the fact that I havent killed myself. Because god fucking knows knows its in my family history. On my dads side my half sister commited suicide in 2004, and theres been two attempts on my mom side, my brother used to SCREAM about how he was going to off himself.
But no. Im just “lazy” and stupid and fucking bad at talking to people and good at making my my mom want to die.
Im just so fucking lonely. I have no one.
